You no longer recognize your child? Then it is guaranteed puberty. This is a phase that is not only difficult for the adolescent – parents also have to suffer from it. Fathers often have other problems with their children during this time than mothers. One of the reasons for this is gender: “Men are better able to empathize with boys because they are often still very much aware of their own time as teenagers,” says Inke Hummel, pedagogue, author and family counsellor from Bonn. “In addition, fathers partly have more difficulty trusting and letting go.”According to the expert, fathers reach their limits particularly quickly with these 6 problems. This is how you behave best then:
1. The daughter screams: “I hate you, Dad!”
Rummms! The door is closed. And between you is suddenly not just a bit of wood, but the wall of Westeros. “Staying in relationship and placing value on good bonding should be the basic attitude of parents,” says Hummel. “Ideally, you make a point of doing this long before the kids hit puberty.”Nevertheless, in this situation, at this moment, it is useless to rush into the children’s room – the argument would only escalate. Therefore, first take a step back and allow time to breathe – this is important for both the daughter and the father. You can also use this moment to make it clear that you should not take the aggressive behavior personally. Even as an adult, this is not always easy. The expert: “I have the impression that tone of voice is more of an issue for fathers than for mothers, who are better able to sort out how something was meant.”Once tempers have cooled, it is your responsibility as a father to take the first step. To play the offended liverwurst, brings you here no further. So make a pilgrimage to the Wall of Westeros again, knock carefully and perhaps try to talk with humor, signal your willingness to talk and find out where the common problem lies. If you get back into the conversation, it is also useful to explain your own reaction. Can be that then soon again the door slams in the lock, but then you now at least know what to do then.
2. The son has a rush for the first time
“Basic care should be provided,” says Hummel. So at night put a bucket in front of the bed, the next day put a glass of water and headache tablet on the nightstand. The expert gives the all-clear: “It’s normal for children to try alcohol on their way to adulthood, because it’s an easy way to finally feel big and free. But very few really slip into real problem behavior.” Nonetheless, a clarifying conversation is necessary when the teen is clear-headed again (ideally over a glass of water) to talk about dangers and concerns. Hummel: “In addition, I would make sure that the teenager, even with a thick skull, fulfills his duties in the household as well as at school and, if necessary, also disposes of the well-filled bucket that you have put by his bed at night as a precaution.”Especially important here: Make it clear that as a father you have a role model function and think about your own alcohol consumption. The expert’s final tip, which may prevent the worst-case scenario from happening at all: “There’s nothing to be said against testing out together on the sofa in a safe environment, for example, how many beers still feel good and when it’s borderline” – by the way, this is legally permitted from 16 onwards.
3. Daughter wants to spend the night at her boyfriend’s house for the first time
The daughter is 13, her guy twice that age? You can wave the penal code and point out that sex under these circumstances is punishable for the boyfriend. But if the constellation is not so precarious, prohibitions are of no use at all. “The situation becomes easier for the father to bear if he knows that certain sex education topics have already been addressed,” says educator Hummel. In order to start a conversation with your daughter, it is advisable to first talk about your first sexual experiences in this area yourself (but please no details!). And then tell the daughter about your own worries that concern her. Most of the time the daughter can then ease her father’s concerns. Hummel: “Sexual experiences with others usually do not happen at younger and younger ages, as parents often worryingly believe.”
4. Son doesn’t leave his room for days to play games
Let’s be honest: What’s actually so bad about it? “You should first ask yourself what damage is being done by this behavior,” says the educator. Does the son have other hobbies? Does he meet friends regularly? Does he help around the house? Then everything is okay! “In addition, limiting media time from the age of 14 is difficult to implement anyway,” says Hummel. “In a pinch, you can always turn off the WLAN, but if you have to resort to such measures, a lot has already gone wrong beforehand.”By the way, you can find addresses of addiction counseling centers here www.computer addiction help.info.
5. The daughter dresses too provocatively
The skirt her daughter is wearing is worn by other girls as a belt? “Bans are useless here,” says Hummel, “if necessary, the daughter will change her clothes on the way.”In this situation, a father can practice letting go more often. This also provides for more relaxation with other topics. “The more freedom young people have, the more likely they are to cooperate on the really important things.”However, as a father you still have an ace up your sleeve: Because with the topic clothing also often the teachers still have a word to say, also they do not have gladly half-naked ones in their classroom sit. Simply contact them and get an ally on board.
6. Son keeps failing papers at school
“I plead for relaxation,” Hummel says. “No one ever looks at the report card of an 8. Grade ever again.” From 7th. In the second grade it makes sense anyway to release the child more and more into his own responsibility. If things are going very badly, you can of course offer more support again after the second five in math. Again, you can get help from the teachers, that’s their job after all. Hummel: “Of course, parent-teacher conferences are a good time to do this. You can also visit them when the child is already 16, but ideally then of course in pairs.”
Conclusion: You can recognize limits by crossing them sometimes
No matter how annoying some of the situations described are, they are important for the adolescent. “The young people should try out. You recognize boundaries by crossing them sometimes,” says Hummel, who has also written a book on the subject (Together through puberty, Humboldt Verlag). “See puberty as an opportunity for change, both for you and for your child. Puberty does not have to become an anxiety-laden period. It is necessary and can be lived positively.”Rumble!
- 1 1. The daughter screams: “I hate you, Dad!”
- 2 2. The son has a rush for the first time
- 3 3. Daughter wants to spend the night at her boyfriend’s house for the first time
- 4 4. Son doesn’t leave his room for days to play games
- 5 5. The daughter dresses too provocatively
- 6 6. Son keeps failing papers at school
- 7 Conclusion: You can recognize limits by crossing them sometimes