“Anger in itself is not a bad thing,” says Cologne-based parenting coach Christopher End. “Anger is a completely normal feeling”. Its function: it points out one’s own limits and mobilizes energy. Coach End: “That’s why it’s important to deal with anger adequately. Many mothers and fathers come to me because they want their child to stop getting angry. But in my counseling I always start with the parents. They have the responsibility and they are the ones who can change something.”Freak-outs happen in all the best families and in every age group. Here come solutions to the 5 most common blowups. Everybody take cover!
Tantrum: the baby screams like a banshee
Even if the little screamer reminds you of your choleric boss right now: It is primarily hunger, tiredness or a diaper full to the brim that make him so angry. Problem: The situation also stresses you, especially if the screaming fit takes place at nighttime and cannot be stopped immediately with a pacifier. Parent coach End: “If I myself am at one hundred and eighty, it is important to first collect myself and then calm the child down.
“Because straight in this age group it can become otherwise life-threatening for the infant, if it is shaken in the affect not geschuckelt, but. To prevent this, the expert advises a change of perspective in these cases, i.e. to step out of the situation in the truest sense of the word and to change the room, if necessary to put the child down briefly or, if possible, to press it into the mother’s hand. End: “Even 10 push-ups can be helpful to get a clear head in this situation again.” Of course, more exercise always works – as this workout plan proves:
This 2-year-old throws himself on the floor screaming in the supermarket
It’s not without reason that children in this age group are referred to as the “terrible two”. The defiant phase itself (which, by the way, is now called the autonomous phase with much more appreciation) is a great challenge for parents. But if a tantrum takes place in the supermarket, that’s the ultimate – because now you’re acting in front of an audience. Again, calm yourself first before calming your child.
Because 10 push-ups in front of the candy shelf might not be so appropriate (people are already staring at you like that anyway), expert End advises conscious breathing: “Breathing out longer than you breathe in often already helps to become calmer inside.”Then turn to your child: “In such situations, I try to mirror the child in order to understand the anger and the trigger as a parent,” explains the parent coach, who also offers courses on this topic (“Mastering tantrums calmly”).
So ask your child, for example, “So you want a candy, yes?” and further: “And you are angry, because I do not permit you that.” The expert’s motto here is: “Hold the child, not hold out.”Final tip: Next time, go to the supermarket better prepared and make arrangements beforehand (“You may choose ONE sweet”).
The 5-year-old throws a tantrum when picking him up from daycare
“No, I don’t want to go yet, papaaa!”Of course, you want to be greeted with joy by your child when you pick him up from kindergarten. But unfortunately this is not always the case. Also not very helpful is the sentence of the kindergarten teacher who says: “He has actually been happy and in a good mood all day so far.”The most important tip: Don’t take it personally. Expert End: “Ultimately, such a tantrum is a compliment to the father.
The child may have pulled himself together all day and knows that he is in a safe haven as soon as his father is present.”Those who understand this can also change their attitude: One’s anger gives way to understanding and compassion. It’s also good to know that such behavior on the part of the child is not unusual; many young children find transitions difficult. It’s best to plan a small time buffer for pick-up next time and, if necessary, leave the daycare center alone and make an extra lap around the neighborhood before heading home together.
The 8-year-old has a tantrum because he doesn’t want to do his homework
It’s like a sudden drop in pressure in an airplane: put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. To get your own anger under control because of your child’s resistance, first calm yourself down – conscious breathing is also the easiest solution here. The parent coach recommends the 4711 method: “Inhale for 4 seconds and exhale for 7 seconds, the whole best for 11 minutes.” Then talk to your child. As with the 2-year-old, “mirroring” is a useful technique here as well.
Goal: The child should feel understood. Often an agitated elementary school student cannot concentrate on his homework afterwards, so a short break is appropriate. Play a game of cards, go for a spin around the house on the bike – or let dad tickle them. It would be a laugh if this did not improve the mood again. Sometimes a good book can help in such cases, for example “I don’t have to be angry – the join-in book for children” with 50 fun exercises to help you stay calm and friendly in any situation (from age 7).
The 13-year-old thunders the nursery door shut over an inconsequentiality. Rummms!
“Escape and attack are two typical patterns under stress,” explains the systemic coach End. It is important to him to note here: “Everyone is allowed to act out his anger, not only parents may have a monopoly on it.”The prerequisite, of course, is that you can show your anger without hurting anyone. Slamming doors is therefore okay for the expert – as long as it is not a glass door.
However, the children’s room door should not be closed for too long: “It is important to always connect with the child in a timely manner, i.e. knocking on the door, signaling readiness to talk and apologizing if necessary,” says End. “An adult who waits for the child to apologize first is still a child himself.”By the way, the slamming door of the children’s room is not the only problem that occurs more often when children reach puberty – you can find help here.
Conclusion: Stay calm! Always!
Regardless of the child’s age, expert Christopher End always recommends the following three steps for raging outbursts: 1. I calm myself down! 2. I calm the child by connecting with him or her. 3.
We resolve the situation when the child is calm and receptive again. “It’s important to know that when a child has a tantrum, he can’t help it because of the stage of development of his brain,” says expert End, who has also written a relaxation book for children (“The little samurai finds his center”). “The child does not do this out of malice or because he wants to manipulate or test limits, but because he simply cannot react in any other way.”Once parents understand this, their attitude towards the child often changes – suddenly there is understanding, which leads to compassion. By the way, the anger, especially his own, is then also gone.
- 1 Tantrum: the baby screams like a banshee
- 2 This 2-year-old throws himself on the floor screaming in the supermarket
- 3 The 5-year-old throws a tantrum when picking him up from daycare
- 4 The 8-year-old has a tantrum because he doesn’t want to do his homework
- 5 The 13-year-old thunders the nursery door shut over an inconsequentiality. Rummms!
- 6 Conclusion: Stay calm! Always!